i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
