I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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