3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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