I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
