I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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