so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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