I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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