so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
