There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
