u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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