I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
