We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
