I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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