Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
