Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
