Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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