Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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