You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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