When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
