i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
