dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
