My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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