Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Randomize
