two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
