I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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