So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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