I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
