we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
