were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
