You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
