Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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