So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
