so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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