i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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