You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
