Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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