the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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