Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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