You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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