that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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