walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
