where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i think my cat just said my name.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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