Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
