Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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