Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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