And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
