if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
