My room smells like vodka and shame
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
