She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
