i think my tv is drunk
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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