i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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