Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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