these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
