Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
