Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I need to sanitize my soul.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
