i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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