Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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