Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Randomize
