the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
