I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
