I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
